A letter to my Ex

Dear Ex,
Surprisingly, I no more feel the lump in my throat when your smile strikes. I did always had the urge to blurt out all of these but my love for you won the battle when fought against with my dreams and aspirations.
I finally gather all my courage to thank you.
Thank you for letting me know that happiness can be felt in handwork, sweat and success than in the broken pieces of one's heart.
Thank you for making me realise that one need not particularly change for the love of their life alone but for the goals that he or she has lined up to hoist flag at.
Thank you for giving me the feel of liberty and solitude while you left which felt much better than the love and aches I had when you were there.
Thank you for the life lesson on how miraculous it feels to build one's own cover and find ecstacy in it rather being pampered, poisoned and polluted under someone else's sky.
Thank you for not accepting my smallest success while I was cherishing all your way through the ladder upwards.
Thank you for showing me the joy of flying all alone and thanks much for not wanting me to spread my wings which has made me build my own nest now.
Thank you for waking up my head with a hard sprint that life is beyond fairy tales and happily ever afters.
Thank you for setting my soul in fire and later feeling hesitant to handle the same.
Thanks much for all that you were in my life. Had you been all that you should have, I wouldn't be what I am now.

With brains,
Your Ex.

It's ok!

It's ok if you haven't found the love of your life yet. There are millions of people out there who are dieing to stay alone and explore the corners of the world.

It's ok if you have messy hair. Some of them have messier life. Stay thankful.

It's ok if you have only 2-3 people close and who will knock your door at 3AM if you text them "leave me alone"

It's ok if you want that guy so much one time and the next minute you wish he doesn't really exist. There is a minute line drawn between want and need.

It's ok for coffee to substitute tea sometimes. That is when you find new loves.

It's ok to take an off from work and chill at home with your Pj's. Work is worship - well said. But you practically need to exist to worship.

It's ok to give up an argument and relax. Sometimes peace is important than being right.

It's ok to go on a massive vacation and spend lavishly. Only few have the courage of earning it all back.

It's ok to go wild on a party and gulp shots and dance like there is no tomorrow. Nobody is going to get out alive anyway.

It's ok to not marry a guy whom you have kissed and counted stars with. Not all love leads to marriage and not all marriage possesses love in it.

It's ok if you feel like being alone, travelling yourself, loving the company of books and headphones, finding comfort on a single couch, cooking for oneself and finding happiness in lonesomeness. Not all are blessed with the ability of sculpturing their own life.

It's ok to be ok!
It's ok to be you!

Chapter - 3

                                      The unsaved contact

How I wish he would also look at me, may be not exactly the way in which I desperately search for him but atleast with reasonable efforts. Puzzled and thrilled, I was sitting at the edge of the couch in a café, anxious to know how he approached me.

Kissing the cup for a sip of coffee, it was the first time in my entire life where the wait for coffee wasn't as significant as the wait to hear the answers to oodles of question marks popping inside my head.

Not able to curb my yearning any longer, I started the conversation.

“So how did you know I was looking for you among thousands?”

Placing his cup on the counter, he smiled and said “hi, I am Aadav – Pleased to be sought by you!”

His tiny grin and nano second eye flutter made me forget that his hands were waiting to touch mine for the first time for a gentle shake. Embarrassed I was to realize how brain-dead was I to not ask for his name at the first place but throw random questions at him.

“Hi, I am sakthi – The successful hunter” I said and laughed.

Our hands touched and eyes met. For the first time I looked into his eyes and fell for its depth longing to never get out of it.

After the first physical contact, things were different. It was so different that I started feeling conscious about how do I look or rather how does his eyes see me.

The cracking sound of coffee mug on the table broke our silence.

I didn't know how to start or to put it clear I didn't want to start any conversation because I already failed in my first attempt with distinction.

“So let me tell you how I spotted this hunting Queen.” To much of my relief, he started.

Though I portrayed myself as if I care the least to hear it, deep inside I was craving  to and my tummy was already full of butterflies and I was all ears.

“So Sakthi Ragunath, as your Facebook profile reads, Arts College Student – Aspiring Chartered Accountant by Profession – Writer by Passion.

Loves Books, Coffee, Bike ride, Window seat, the aroma of petrol, long walks;

Crazy over Rajini and Vijay Sethupathi;

Falls blindly for thick beard and moustache, and…”

“I seriously can’t deny the fact that you have completely gone through my Facebook and Instagram Profiles but before my head bursts into million pieces, kindly save it by telling me how on earth you caught me on Social Media?” – The completely clueless me, questioned.

“Madam, kindly hold on your curiosity for a while and give my space to complete” he said and continued.

“Well, let me tell you something, on the first day, when your eyes were all on me, I felt extremely uncomfortable. Being watched or to put in a better way, being absorbed by someone unknown made me feel naked but that was when I realized how it was for every girl when a guy on street stares at her.

 Although I was uneasy at first, later I started enjoying the lime light thrown on me as it is a real scarcity to be sought after by a woman like you. So I made myself available to your sight and never wanted to be missed seen by you. And without your knowledge, I took a few pictures of you.” he giggled and took his baby out to show me my photos.

*Damn, he has noticed me much more than I thought he would* I uttered in my mind and focused on his camera – My eyes glued to the screen and my heart dancing and rejoicing with the triumph of having my stills in his camera.

“So your pictures helped me locate you on social media where I got to know you and liked your likes” he winked and finished his part of story.

Confused between “should I ask further questions” or “should I make a talk” or “just sit there struck with a smile” I finally landed with a half grin.

Grasping my state of unsettled mind, he said “Okay, let me not burden you with more talks, we will call it today and catch up sometime soon.”

We exchanged our mobile digits and bid bye.

Not wanting to miss any of him, I saw him vanish from my sight at the end of the street.    

But the confusion didn't end though.

Struck in front of the café with my phone on hand and thoughts in head, I was contemplating what to save his number as.

Chapter - 2

If I could see you

Not all coffee would taste best like it tasted that day. And that was the moment I realised, it wasn't just the coffee that was pretty perfect but the person beside me added flavours to the air.

I couldn't believe that I was there, sitting with him for a Sunday morning hot coffee.

So let me tell you how I ran into him.

It is not every Sunday that you get up from bed with a sprint of hope and excitement unless and until you are filled in with expectations of meeting a special someone.

Getting ready and reached the shore, I started the search engine operation of my accidental anonymous. Even though I convinced myself that the reason for so much of efforts is solely for me but deep inside I could figure it out that he seemed to be the motivating factor for me to be there.

Like a baby lost in the crowd searching for her mother’s saree, there I was, searching for a male clutching a camera. Though I met with a million eyes, not one brought me to my destination. From one end to the other of the road, I literally wandered in search of him, initially with peace as I had a hope that he will be found but later with hassle having the fear of not spotting him.

Fed up with the hunt, I sat on the sand, disheartened.

Hundreds of “I should haves” came clashing on my mind.

“I should have spoken to him on the very first day itself

Or at least dropped him my number

Or at least asked for his Facebook Id

Or the least is to have got his mail id “

With all the question marks and heavy scolding to my poor heart from my witty mind, I accepted that he wasn't to be found and made up my mind to head back home.

While I stood up with a heart full of disappointments, it was only after 360 seconds I realised I was on the same place where I stood up to pack myself home. Those 360 seconds brought a complete meaning to the 2700 seconds of relentless hunting.

There he was, clutching his camera and capturing moments of unknown people with no clue that a female has taken efforts to come all the way in search of him and invest her 2700 seconds to finally grasp his sight.

I remember pinching myself to acknowledge if what was happening that very moment was actually happening. He turned towards me, saw my eyes glued at his direction and approached me with a cuddly curve on his lips.

I still couldn't digest what my eyes were seeing. The person for whom I took all pains to pass 6 longest days of my life, the person for whom I spent 45 minutes of rigorous hunting, that same person was there, right in front of me, smiling at me as if we both knew each other for ages.

What was happier and delightful was the very first line that he ever spoke to me.

“how about konjam coffee and then nariya talks? “

Seriously flattered I was because coffee happens to be something I go crazy about and I personally believe that anything that started with a cup of coffee is definitely the most beautiful thing happening to me.

So, finally there I was, eagerly waiting to know what was in store for me. 

Accidental Anonymous

Amongst all the morning alarms for school,  college, exams and office,  today was something 

different. Something special and peculiar. An alarm for a breezy beach walk. 

In fact the early morning cuddle with my bed and the getting up fight with my alarm went on for a 

while and finally my alarm won the battle! 

Sacrificing my Sunday morning sleep was a supervening impossibility and I have no idea how 

did I decide to head to the shore. 

But what was in store for me was worth a lifetime early morning slumber sacrifice. 

Beach!  I secretly believe that blessed are those who reside in cities with beaches and 

chennaites!!  No word to express the feel that any beach in Chennai gives. 

I parked my car few Streets away and started walking. 

Jaw-dropped am I to find hundreds of people busily indulged in various activities that early in the 

morning. 

As I scrolled slowly, I spotted kids riding bicycles and having a playful race, kutties, all equipped 

skating and beaming on roads, elders playing pulling-the-rope with unadulterated happiness,  

young teens showcasing their talent with football stunts and kids sketching their masterpiece 

with strands of chalks on the broad boards of road. 

In a morning of enthusiastic chores, I was there sitting on a slab and watching each and every 

person passing by and absorbing their movements. 

While,  I was there keen on studying each one’s involvement and happiness in playing and 

making cherishable memories, there was this guy capturing those precious moments. 

I couldn’t resist absorbing him too! 

He didn’t miss photo-ing a single eventful happening – the games,  the football stunts, the 

crowd, the waves, the rising sun, the old couples taking selfies, the tiny babies who were over-

rejoicing those moments, the cautious parents and the watch-ious me too! 

And my 576 megapixels was keen on him,  basically much more than actually needed. 

I was wondering if it’s really me! Because,  to be honest, when I just find any cute guy, I rather 

try to make him look at me and do all acts to catch the lime light. 

But for the very first time in life, I was adoring a male!  Not for his looks, his jokes, his sweet 

voice or his cute cuddles but for what he was there. 

When everybody out there was momentously occupied, there he was not failing to capture any 

smile, laugh and love. 

I felt that it was his passion that drives him and he finds happiness in doing so rather than 

getting involved in any of the activities. I was moved by his love towards photography that I 

found the only time he rested between 7am and 9am was to change the camera lens. 

The feeling I had towards him was so different. It was so different that it was not love, not lust 

and not attraction. It was a combined feel of adoring and respect that I realised that for the first 

time I am having such feel towards an unknown guy. 

I didn’t know why,  but I felt like getting to know him and share my thoughts of dreams and 

aspirations. 

I even did certain flimsy things such as searching in Facebook and Instagram for car free 

Sundays to find if any photos of him have been tagged. 

He made me realise that – by dreaming big you are not going to go anywhere. Just get out and 

work for what you love rather than stalking your time by dreaming. 

Thanks to the charismatic anonymous! 

PS-He caught glimpses of me watching him and that made my day.