That someone though!

From,
The human-confused-being.

To,
That someone.

Subject - Anything and everything.

Like most of you, I too have no idea how could it be December already while I am still struck in 2017 New Year flop plans.

Realising that the time has come to bit bitter sweet goodbye to 2017, I now rush to my "TO DO in 2017" list, just to ensure that things are neither done nor dusted.

I take time to digest the fact that I am talented enough to have spent a year in an eye's blink by doing absolutely nothing.

My 2017 tasted most of my laughter, here and there tear trips, the lump in the throat moments, about to burst out situations, sheer embarrassments, dramas, tantrums, attachments and detachments.

Here I am who lived, loved and is now thrown out alive and thankful.

I now want to thank that someone who sent a "Have you reached safely?" text. You made me feel taken care of.

Thanks to that someone who fought with me cats and dogs and then slept off only after ensuring that I haven't skipped that night's dinner.

Thanks to that someone who took time to compliment my inner soul and remind me how beautiful I am inside out.

Thanks to that someone who asked me If I am alright when I am perfectly not. Thank you for being all ears and tolerating my volcanic explosion.

Thanks to that someone who was always ready to ring my door bell after having received my "Are you free now?" text message.

Thanks to that someone who wished me on my birthday by a call or a personal message when you had all the facilities to share a memory in facebook and seal it.

Thanks to that someone who showed me much love in person and not by way of facebook reactions, instagram double taps and whatsapp emoji.

Thanks to that someone who asked me out for a coffee in the middle of pastas and pizzas.

Thanks to that someone who tagged me in deep and loud posts that touched my soul and made my heart grin.

I secretly and openly hope that atleast one person popped up in your mind while you went through this page of my diary.

Just hearty thanks to 2017 and each being who added stars to my sky.

No! I am not. But!

I am the girl, who is okay with him hanging out with other girls,
But, secretly I hope that they take the opposite seat in a café.

I am that girl, who is cool enough to see another female face in his storyline,
But, only after ensuring the kilometers of distance between them.

I am a girl, who doesn’t create a scene when my bestie send screenshot of him socializing with his female friends,
But, trust me, volcanoes are already exploding inside and a smile is struck outside.

I am a girl, who is totally not bothered about his whatsapp messages or Insta directs,
But, I swear, I would read even the dot and comma if I get a chance to.

I am a girl and I insist him to drop his female friend when it is a rush hour,
But I get to peace only after I see where her hand rests when he rides.

I am a girl and I praise the shirt that she has gifted him,
But deep down, I pray hard for it to be lost, torn or burnt to ashes.

No I am not cunning and he is not faking.

I don’t want to reveal my insecurities which might stop him from being himself,
But I still hope that he listens to my inner tantrums someday.

By,
The girl who has crossed her teens,
But yet to cross the stereo streams.

Neither a Nightmare nor a Day dream

Around the world in 90 days is the plan. Dumping the suitcase with all sort of tangible things which my hands were able to reach first, I created a hassle in air at home which is already upside down.
A blend of creatures which never nods the head for the take of the other but clings on one another like forever – Family they say it is. With all my talent, finally I managed to gather my Appa, Amma and little sister outside our home along with their baggage which looked like as if we are shifting to another planet for a lifetime. My Amma made sure that the suitcase is fat enough so that it might explode any minute and create a scene in the Airport.
Booking a cab from Triplicane to Chennai International Terminal, I mentally ticked the first Wish-list Checklist – The International Chennai Airport Gateway.
After all the check-ins and boarding on the plane, the moment I had waited for this since my first flight, the moment for which I would lavishly and happily decrease my bank balance to nil has arrived.
Making a trip with my Amma and Appa in flight for the first time or rather I would say, their first flight it is. I never wanted to miss a single moment and kept staring at both of them completely. I could see their astonishment, excitement, hidden fear and overwhelming happiness.
When the flight was about to take off, they instantly clutched each other’s hand revealing their support system and immediately Amma leaned on Appa’s shoulder. I was smiling. My lips, eyes, heart, each nerve and cell in my body are smiling.
Looking outside the window, my head honoured my heart with a Vote of Thanks. I have had an inevitable dream of making my parent’s first flight along with them with every single penny of mine. Touchwood, I pinch myself in a cinematic way to finally hint my sense that I am living my dream that moment.
The four years of hard work and perseverance in securing a Professional Career and the two years of early mornings, late nights and Sunday works found its meaning in front of my parent’s happiness.
I felt like patting my back and gave myself an high-five in my mind for all the ‘Big-Nos’ I said while it came to spending on myself and how desperately I saved each Rupee for this to come true.
My Amma took out the shopping magazine in the flight and with her usual habit, she started pondering on things by applying the filter – sort price lowest to highest. With pride, I looked deep into her eyes for 3 seconds and said “Till this minute, you both have neglected seeing price tags when it was for your daughters. It is our turn now. It is from this point of time in life, we wish to see you both sit cross-legged and live like a King and Queen.
That smile which my mother wore that moment; it absolutely failed to hide the chest swelling pride and unconditional love that she always carried.
Interrupting her thoughts, the door bell rang.
Taking a deep breath, she closed the diary and sealed the nib.
Wondering how much luck and blessings it takes to be a loving daughter who seeks happiness from the smile of her parents and not a female who struggles each slumber with a stranger with no heart but having a life and an intestine.
With accumulating and escalating thought process between closing the diary and opening the door to another customer, the wandering pages in air, resembling her soul, revealed her sign-off – Pen-woman with Passion, Nalini Jameela.

A letter to my Ex

Dear Ex,
Surprisingly, I no more feel the lump in my throat when your smile strikes. I did always had the urge to blurt out all of these but my love for you won the battle when fought against with my dreams and aspirations.
I finally gather all my courage to thank you.
Thank you for letting me know that happiness can be felt in handwork, sweat and success than in the broken pieces of one's heart.
Thank you for making me realise that one need not particularly change for the love of their life alone but for the goals that he or she has lined up to hoist flag at.
Thank you for giving me the feel of liberty and solitude while you left which felt much better than the love and aches I had when you were there.
Thank you for the life lesson on how miraculous it feels to build one's own cover and find ecstacy in it rather being pampered, poisoned and polluted under someone else's sky.
Thank you for not accepting my smallest success while I was cherishing all your way through the ladder upwards.
Thank you for showing me the joy of flying all alone and thanks much for not wanting me to spread my wings which has made me build my own nest now.
Thank you for waking up my head with a hard sprint that life is beyond fairy tales and happily ever afters.
Thank you for setting my soul in fire and later feeling hesitant to handle the same.
Thanks much for all that you were in my life. Had you been all that you should have, I wouldn't be what I am now.

With brains,
Your Ex.

It's ok!

It's ok if you haven't found the love of your life yet. There are millions of people out there who are dieing to stay alone and explore the corners of the world.

It's ok if you have messy hair. Some of them have messier life. Stay thankful.

It's ok if you have only 2-3 people close and who will knock your door at 3AM if you text them "leave me alone"

It's ok if you want that guy so much one time and the next minute you wish he doesn't really exist. There is a minute line drawn between want and need.

It's ok for coffee to substitute tea sometimes. That is when you find new loves.

It's ok to take an off from work and chill at home with your Pj's. Work is worship - well said. But you practically need to exist to worship.

It's ok to give up an argument and relax. Sometimes peace is important than being right.

It's ok to go on a massive vacation and spend lavishly. Only few have the courage of earning it all back.

It's ok to go wild on a party and gulp shots and dance like there is no tomorrow. Nobody is going to get out alive anyway.

It's ok to not marry a guy whom you have kissed and counted stars with. Not all love leads to marriage and not all marriage possesses love in it.

It's ok if you feel like being alone, travelling yourself, loving the company of books and headphones, finding comfort on a single couch, cooking for oneself and finding happiness in lonesomeness. Not all are blessed with the ability of sculpturing their own life.

It's ok to be ok!
It's ok to be you!

Chapter - 3

                                      The unsaved contact

How I wish he would also look at me, may be not exactly the way in which I desperately search for him but atleast with reasonable efforts. Puzzled and thrilled, I was sitting at the edge of the couch in a café, anxious to know how he approached me.

Kissing the cup for a sip of coffee, it was the first time in my entire life where the wait for coffee wasn't as significant as the wait to hear the answers to oodles of question marks popping inside my head.

Not able to curb my yearning any longer, I started the conversation.

“So how did you know I was looking for you among thousands?”

Placing his cup on the counter, he smiled and said “hi, I am Aadav – Pleased to be sought by you!”

His tiny grin and nano second eye flutter made me forget that his hands were waiting to touch mine for the first time for a gentle shake. Embarrassed I was to realize how brain-dead was I to not ask for his name at the first place but throw random questions at him.

“Hi, I am sakthi – The successful hunter” I said and laughed.

Our hands touched and eyes met. For the first time I looked into his eyes and fell for its depth longing to never get out of it.

After the first physical contact, things were different. It was so different that I started feeling conscious about how do I look or rather how does his eyes see me.

The cracking sound of coffee mug on the table broke our silence.

I didn't know how to start or to put it clear I didn't want to start any conversation because I already failed in my first attempt with distinction.

“So let me tell you how I spotted this hunting Queen.” To much of my relief, he started.

Though I portrayed myself as if I care the least to hear it, deep inside I was craving  to and my tummy was already full of butterflies and I was all ears.

“So Sakthi Ragunath, as your Facebook profile reads, Arts College Student – Aspiring Chartered Accountant by Profession – Writer by Passion.

Loves Books, Coffee, Bike ride, Window seat, the aroma of petrol, long walks;

Crazy over Rajini and Vijay Sethupathi;

Falls blindly for thick beard and moustache, and…”

“I seriously can’t deny the fact that you have completely gone through my Facebook and Instagram Profiles but before my head bursts into million pieces, kindly save it by telling me how on earth you caught me on Social Media?” – The completely clueless me, questioned.

“Madam, kindly hold on your curiosity for a while and give my space to complete” he said and continued.

“Well, let me tell you something, on the first day, when your eyes were all on me, I felt extremely uncomfortable. Being watched or to put in a better way, being absorbed by someone unknown made me feel naked but that was when I realized how it was for every girl when a guy on street stares at her.

 Although I was uneasy at first, later I started enjoying the lime light thrown on me as it is a real scarcity to be sought after by a woman like you. So I made myself available to your sight and never wanted to be missed seen by you. And without your knowledge, I took a few pictures of you.” he giggled and took his baby out to show me my photos.

*Damn, he has noticed me much more than I thought he would* I uttered in my mind and focused on his camera – My eyes glued to the screen and my heart dancing and rejoicing with the triumph of having my stills in his camera.

“So your pictures helped me locate you on social media where I got to know you and liked your likes” he winked and finished his part of story.

Confused between “should I ask further questions” or “should I make a talk” or “just sit there struck with a smile” I finally landed with a half grin.

Grasping my state of unsettled mind, he said “Okay, let me not burden you with more talks, we will call it today and catch up sometime soon.”

We exchanged our mobile digits and bid bye.

Not wanting to miss any of him, I saw him vanish from my sight at the end of the street.    

But the confusion didn't end though.

Struck in front of the café with my phone on hand and thoughts in head, I was contemplating what to save his number as.

Chapter - 2

If I could see you

Not all coffee would taste best like it tasted that day. And that was the moment I realised, it wasn't just the coffee that was pretty perfect but the person beside me added flavours to the air.

I couldn't believe that I was there, sitting with him for a Sunday morning hot coffee.

So let me tell you how I ran into him.

It is not every Sunday that you get up from bed with a sprint of hope and excitement unless and until you are filled in with expectations of meeting a special someone.

Getting ready and reached the shore, I started the search engine operation of my accidental anonymous. Even though I convinced myself that the reason for so much of efforts is solely for me but deep inside I could figure it out that he seemed to be the motivating factor for me to be there.

Like a baby lost in the crowd searching for her mother’s saree, there I was, searching for a male clutching a camera. Though I met with a million eyes, not one brought me to my destination. From one end to the other of the road, I literally wandered in search of him, initially with peace as I had a hope that he will be found but later with hassle having the fear of not spotting him.

Fed up with the hunt, I sat on the sand, disheartened.

Hundreds of “I should haves” came clashing on my mind.

“I should have spoken to him on the very first day itself

Or at least dropped him my number

Or at least asked for his Facebook Id

Or the least is to have got his mail id “

With all the question marks and heavy scolding to my poor heart from my witty mind, I accepted that he wasn't to be found and made up my mind to head back home.

While I stood up with a heart full of disappointments, it was only after 360 seconds I realised I was on the same place where I stood up to pack myself home. Those 360 seconds brought a complete meaning to the 2700 seconds of relentless hunting.

There he was, clutching his camera and capturing moments of unknown people with no clue that a female has taken efforts to come all the way in search of him and invest her 2700 seconds to finally grasp his sight.

I remember pinching myself to acknowledge if what was happening that very moment was actually happening. He turned towards me, saw my eyes glued at his direction and approached me with a cuddly curve on his lips.

I still couldn't digest what my eyes were seeing. The person for whom I took all pains to pass 6 longest days of my life, the person for whom I spent 45 minutes of rigorous hunting, that same person was there, right in front of me, smiling at me as if we both knew each other for ages.

What was happier and delightful was the very first line that he ever spoke to me.

“how about konjam coffee and then nariya talks? “

Seriously flattered I was because coffee happens to be something I go crazy about and I personally believe that anything that started with a cup of coffee is definitely the most beautiful thing happening to me.

So, finally there I was, eagerly waiting to know what was in store for me.